In the back of our minds, we know it is inevitable. It’s an unpleasant but inescapable part of life, one that will ultimately catch up with us regardless of how nonchalant we are in our thinly veiled claims that we do not fear it.
That’s right. I’m talking about the presidential campaign.
I just finished reading position papers from all the candidates. I stand convinced that our great democratic system of government has succeeded once again in handing us an incredible gang of palookas from which to choose the next Leader of the Free World.
The revelations I have gleaned from these scions of our founding fathers, these masters of foreign and domestic policy, are astounding. Such original insight on all the vital issues:
War is bad. Education is good. Racism? Bad. Strong economy? Good. Taxes? Bad. Free trade? Good, unless you’re Pat Buchanan, in which case you want to install machine gun nests along all of our borders.
And they wonder why we retreat into our little slot machine worlds. Who needs to think about where the country is headed? Just let me know if some military dictator takes the country over and closes the casinos—and let me know in time to cash out.
This gets me thinking of the political clout we slot players could have as a voting bloc. The candidate who reaches us where we live (at the machines) will clean up in the race for delegates.
How do they do this? By offering themselves as slot themes, of course! That way, we will pay attention to them, no matter how inane the drivel pouring from their mouths. We will listen to them as they herald the next bonus round by demonstrating their own stand on NAFTA. They can be there on the video screen, in live-action, digital surround-sound, asking us to guess their position on saving the rain forests, for BIG BONUS MONEY!
Imagine the possibilities:
Al Gore reaches the electorate through “Big Al’s Dance Party.” Reach the bonus round to hear Al drone on endlessly about saving the ozone layer while performing his famous “I Am The Frankenstein Monster” dance.
Former New York Knicks basketball star Bill Bradley “scores” with gaming patrons in “Bleeding Heart Bonus.” Rack up bonus points for every liberal cause, from gun control to free trade with the Commies! Reach the “Big Government Program” bonus round and see Bill morph into Ted Kennedy before handing out that fat bonus “dole.”
Sen. John McCain is featured in the slot “Two-Faced Johnny.” After each winning combination, the player is given a chance to double his winnings through a 50/50 choice—which “face” is Johnny wearing today? Is it his “Restore Our Political Ideals Through Campaign Finance Reform” face? Or is it his “None Of Your Damn Business How Much Is In My Campaign Warchest Or How I Got The Money” face?
See Gov. George W. Bush in the slot game “Daddy’s Coattails.” Three silver spoons on the pay line trigger the “Little George Bonus Round,” a multi-level bonus trip in 3-D animation. Choose from among Texas oil wells to proceed through the bonus round, following Georgie through a privileged childhood to Yale, and then on to the higher levels: You win 300 coins if George’s father saves him from Vietnam combat by getting him into the Texas Air National Guard. You win 500 coins if George actually states a position on a real issue. The bonus round ends only if you land the “Recreational Use Of Cocaine” symbol.
I was going to suggest the “Trump For President” slot machine, but I see Donald has removed his hat from the ring. Oh, well. You’ll have to fill in your own joke here.
Alan Keyes is featured in “Guns For God.” Three assault rifles on the pay line trigger the bonus round, in which you rack up bonus coins while listening to Al explain how an armed citizenry is a moral citizenry.
Finally, Pat Buchanan is Sergeant Nick Fury in “Xenophobia,” a take-no-prisoners bonus slot game! Three “Crossfire” symbols on the pay line trigger a raucous bonus round in which Pat, as Sergeant Nick, uses his shoulder-slung, .50-caliber machine gun to “grease” the godless Communist hoards, the U.N., elitists, liberal Democrats, civil-rights activists, welfare moms, foreigners, Barbra Streisand, and all the other rabble, vermin and scum of society. You win the bonus round if Sergeant Nick succeeds in annexing Canada and Mexico and wiping every other country off the world map.
These games will reach that great un-tapped voting force, the slot players of America. They will get slot players involved in the political process, if only for a brief moment. Then no one will be able to say we sat there and gambled while the country went to hell.
Of course, the machine this year with the most risky gamble is not even in a casino.
It’s in the voting booth. l